Coping

This is from yesterday's post..
I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia back in 2010 at the age of 30. I have had my ups and downs every since. It has been extremely difficult for me since I was so used to being active and doing most things on my own. Fibro has slowed me down and even stopped me at times. I fight it constantly and even been put on medicine for it. The problem with the medicine is that the side effects caused me more problems, so I got off of everything. I use a Doterra oil mix to help with some of the pain.
I hate that I can’t plan days of activities as I never know when I will be down because of a flare up. I feel like I am letting my husband down because when we got married I was healthy as a horse and no issues. We can’t do the things we used to do and it depresses me. He is amazing and support of it all but it doesn’t stop me from feeling so useless at times. He also has to be super careful with me at times because when I am in a flare up, my body aches so bad that I can’t handle a simple touch.
I hate that I can’t go play with my kids the way I should. I am always too tired and it kills me knowing they just want some of my time also. I am forcing myself to work a full time job and by the time I get home there is just nothing left of me. I absolutely hate it, but there seems to be nothing I can do at this time.
If I am active one day then I end up paying for it the next time and then of course this time of year the weather makes it worse. Yesterday, I spent the day on the couch in my pajamas because on Saturday I chose to take my youngest daughter to a rabbit show. So on Sunday, I couldn’t hardly stand because my legs hurt so bad and were weak. I also had chest pains and stomach cramped. Of course being a female I have to also deal with monthly cycles which fibro makes 100% worse. Fibro has a way of making normal aches and pains double and sometimes even triple at times.
Today my body is screaming at me and my legs are hot and painful. My joints are swelled up and aching. My stomach is bloated and cramping every time I so much as move, but I am at work. Why??? Trust me it’s not because I want to be. I have no choice but to force my body to continue to push through. We can’t afford for me to stay home where when I have days like this, then I can rest like my body needs. I can’t find a remote online job so I am forced to drive over an hour one way just to get to a job.
I ask myself all the time – WHAT CAN I DO??. I hate being stuck, I hate being forced, I hate to hurt so bad I want to bawl, I hate being so young and disabled. I just want to scream and shout how it is so unfair!! I look normal yet I am in so much pain I can barely paste a smile on my face. I have worked so hard to get where I am now but I am stuck! I can’t afford to quit but then again I don’t know how long my body will hold up to being forced to fight. It’s an emotional roller coaster that is very depressing. I don’t think I can get on disability and I don’t mind working but I am becoming limited.
I know others have it worse and I know I am blessed with what I do have but I have no clue how much more I can handle pushing myself. I have always considered myself to be a strong individual but sure not feeling it lately. I just wish I knew what it is I am supposed to be doing.
What do you do when you get to this point? I hate being a downer and do my best to be positive but I am wore out!